Good Sense

Marriage As Commitment, Not Achievement

An excerpt from The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller has been circulating lately on the Internet.  The piece, titled “You Never Marry The Right Person,” (http://m.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person) discusses the difficulties of marriage in a time when people tend to place too much emphasis on finding a soulmate, someone who will “complete” them:

“…[P]eople in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner,” he writes.  “They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love….”

Keller suggests that we often rely too much on our partner to be the “other half,” as if to form the ”perfect” union, instead of seeing ourselves as imperfect, self-centered individuals who simply unite.  Quoting author Denis de Rougemont, Keller points out:  “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love?”

While Keller says “marriage profoundly changes us,” it is not in the way we imagine.  The fact is that marriage does not make us perfect.  If anything, it magnifies our imperfections.  We become all too real.  Since no two people are truly alike, the concept of compatibility becomes a myth.

It’s a myth, of course, that begins when we are little children, especially for girls, as they often lose themselves in stories about lonely, oppressed, trapped or lost princesses who would be doomed without rescue by a willing prince.  The message our culture often sends to girls:  You are more valuable if a man takes interest in you.  You are more secure if a man includes you in his life.  You are happier if a man approves of who you are.

The result?  Girls who place attention from boys above most things, women who continually seek fulfillment and validation from the men in their lives.  Women who take risks with their emotional and physical health, who chase unrealistic ideals of beauty, and who choose badly, in relationships, and yes, marriage.

Many thinkers and authors have written about the importance of loving yourself.  Loving yourself makes you more lovable and gives you the ability to love others better.  Yet Biblically speaking, self-love can lead to many sins.  So which is it?  Perhaps it’s not so much about loving ourselves as knowing ourselves.  For Christians, this means knowing who we are in Christ.  And that means, of course, total acceptance–of our sinful nature, of our flaws, and all the little quirks that cause us to annoy and frustrate those around us.  If we are married, and Christ is the center, guess what?  Total acceptance is a two way-street.   It won’t be a perfect union, but Christ is perfect, and if we place the focus on Him rather than on how another person makes us feel, we get closer to the relationship He wants us to have.

Here is a trustworthy saying:  If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him.  If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.  2Timothy 2:11

If we accept Christ, he becomes part of us, even when our faith is shaky.  We have, in a sense, a “perfect union” with Christ.  Putting Christ first is about endurance and strength.  So we endure many things in marriage and will be stronger in the long run, no matter the circumstance.

It seems we are surrounded by marital difficulties these days.  I have personally seen many of my friends endure these problems.  Many of them gave up the fight or are in the process of doing so.  I came from a family of divorce.  My parents, myself, and two of my three brothers have all been through it.  I spent many years making really bad choices because I incorrectly believed who I was hinged on who I was with.  This is a fact I am not proud of, but I think God often uses me to be a sounding board for others who are on the verge of divorcing.  Because of my experience, I understand completely how difficult it can be, on both spouses–regardless of who ultimately ends the relationship.  While marriage can be difficult and painful, I still believe most marriages are worth saving.  And while sometimes they can’t be, if we have the foundational relationship with Christ, we are still saved.  All is not lost.  Though we may suffer a bad marriage or even a divorce, we have something that can never be taken away.  Christ is our rightful “other half.”  This is the only way we can truly love others: because we know who we are, and we know who we are in Christ.  We should never rest our sense of self-worth on another flawed human being.  We should never expect someone else to meet our every need.  We should never see a relationship as a personal accomplishment.  It’s not.  A personal relationship doesn’t make you better, more worthy or deserving of some accolade.  Marriage is a commitment, and commitment is a prerequisite for achievement.  Commitment doesn’t mean you’ve achieved anything.    It just means you are going to keep trying.

My comfort in my suffering is this:  your promise preserves my live.  Psalm 119:50.