Terms of Agreement for Livin’ in the Good ‘Ol USA
Terms of Agreement:
This is not a legally binding contract, however, we will conduct business under the assumption that it is, and, should you decide to question its contents, the quality of our services or products, the appropriateness of our marketing strategies, or any policy contained therein, you will be locked in a double-wide trailer and be forced to listen to the Dolly Parton song of our choice, continuously, for nine days, or else be routed through the proper customer service entities, including, but not limited to:
- Our cheerful, customer service representatives that are available Monday – Friday, 10:00 to 3:00, upon which time, they will log out of their computers to go play shuffleboard in the break room and then settle down into their pods for their afternoon nap, after which they will wake up, promptly at 5:00 and lunge for the time clock.
- Should you attempt to reach our service representatives during normal business hours, and have been unsuccessful, you may leave a detailed voice message that will be reviewed and attended to by no one in particular.
- Should you be lucky enough to reach one of our representatives, be prepared to speak very loudly in the requested language. Don’t worry if you don’t speak Sanskrit, we don’t either.
- Should you inadvertently lose the connection, call the Laundromat down the street. They care more than we do.
You have signed up for a service that has no value whatsoever, either real, imagined or otherwise, and the information you provide to us will be considered both accurate and completely false, and will be used for whatever we so desire, including, but not limited to: The keynote speech at our cousin’s Bat Mitzvah, our application for induction into the Rock, Paper, Scissors Ambassador’s Club, and our Facebook status update.
Should you decide you no longer want our product, sorry. SUCKER! HAHHAHAA. You should box it up, address it to your uncle Frank, along with a note that says, “I hope you hate this as much as I do.”
If you should decide that you no longer want our services, sorry. SUCKER!!!! HAHAHAAH. Log onto “I am a big old goon dot com” and get a life. Then, be sure to fill our convenient customer complaint form located on our website and we will answer you when Tony Orlando sells his next number one album. Better yet, we’ll send it to OUR uncle Frank. He likes to answer random emails.
And finally, if you should decide that you are just fed up with everything, and have resorted to throwing on your old leg warmers and dancing to the Go Go’s in your living room with a half empty bottle of Purple Passion, you agree, by the terms of this “Terms of Agreement,” to pre-register and be automatically enrolled in our sister program, “I have lost all ability to choose, so why not?”
By clicking on “Yes” below, you hereby accept these Terms of Agreement, and hereby abandon all hope upon entering here.
Melissa Dereberry
M.A. Green
